Do we set ourselves up for failure?

I have to take these placement tests for graduate school coming up in less than a month (help me, God!). I feel inadequate to be taking them. It's been a looooooooooong time since I've even really thought about the information that will be asked of me. So I'm going into this with the expectations of failing. That way I won't be upset at myself. Low expectations are brilliant. Ha.

It also got me to think about how much we personally set ourselves up for failure. We all know that we are are our worst critics by far. We like to beat ourselves up mentally. That silly voice inside of us says we aren't good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough, not, not, not...Ugh.

I had a friend ask 2 questions back to back. The first one was asking what we were good at and the second one was asking what we were bad at. Now I'm all for self-evaluation and think it's beneficial for everyone to do. But why do we always have to follow up something positive with a negative? Is it human nature to do that?

I think I'll continue to process through this and see where it gets me.

Peace. :)

Oh, how things change.

I haven't updated on what I've been learning lately. That was the intentional reason behind this blog. So here is an update of sorts. Enjoy!

I've been learning a lot lately. Or maybe I've just opened myself up to it more and more. And by lately, mean the past week. I've been kind of "numb" from a certain situation I've been dealing with. It's something that I know won't just disappear or leave me. So I've been trying to figure out how to deal with it. How to forgive when someone doesn't really even care that you've been hurt. Ah, it's all life stuff. How do we deal with what has happened? We are deal with things differently. I have been in a state of just ignoring the situation and then because of that just becoming numb to a lot of things. I'm in a better state. Even though it's hard to face the things that are troubling you, it is much better than becoming numb to them.

I started to date a wonderful guy named Jeremy. It's been really, really nice and I'm happy. I could go into detail, but I don't want to bore everyone with my stories. :)

I attended a funeral yesterday, which was a wonderful celebration of a lady I knew. It was a reminder to me to live life in the present and enjoy what I have while I have it. Why is it that it takes a funeral for me to remember that?

I am glad that Eugene is my home. So many neat things have happened since I've lived here. I've grown a lot, become way more active, ran a half marathon, sang in a choir and become friends with some great people from that experience, and am starting to get close to some of my school co-workers. I can also add Graduate school, an awesome job that I have teaching kids everyday, and more. Oh, don't forgot that I can go to the coast or mountains anytime that I want. Woo! :)

There are still things I miss about Indiana and I was explaining that tonight to Jeremy. I miss my friendships that I had. They just aren't the same and I knew that would change once I got out here. I am thankful that I still stay in contact with people and that they put up with my lack of awesome communication skills. I do cherish those people. They have helped me become the person that I am today. I miss them.

I heart yoga and want to do it more. I also really like running and am glad I'm starting to train for my second half marathon in september! :)

I feel loved out here in Eugene. I'm glad I know the people that I do, am in the community that I am in, and have had wonderful experiences so far. I do feel blessed.

:)

The story of my first half marathon

The outcome of the race was wonderful. I made my goal of running the whole 13.1 miles without stopping! The only time I stopped was as the drink stations because running and drinking doesn't work out so well. :) Here's the recap of my wonderful adventure.

Saturday afternoon I picked up my race packet and the reality of running the next morning became a huge reality. I couldn't believe that all the people that were at the expo would be joining me in the morning the next day. I got pretty nervous there. The one thing that really made the butterflies appear in my stomach was thinking that I'd disappoint myself by not being able to run the whole half. I started this training program in Jan. knowing that it didn't matter how long it would take me to get to the finish line. All I wanted to do was run the whole thing. I knew it was going to be a lofty goal because of so many different reasons. 1. I really disliked running. 2. I really wasn't in great physical shape 3. Fear

Saturday also wasn't the best for me because I had a choral program where I had to stand a lot. That is something you usually don't want to do prior to a big race. My legs were already tired. And to top it off I didn't get home from the concert until 11pm and didn't make it to my bed until 11:30pm. Waking up at 5:15am the next day was quite rough. :)

Sunday morning:
I woke up pretty excited for this adventure. I really think I got all of my nervousness out of my system on Saturday because I wasn't feeling nervous. I really think it's because I'm not a morning person so my brain doesn't even translate nervousness that early. My running partner picked my roommate and me up at 6am. We proceeded to pick up my other running partner and we headed downtown to get shuttled in, by school bus, to Hayward Field. It was cold that morning!! I just had a tank top and shorts on because I knew after a mile or so I would get stinkin' warm. We got off of the bus (the mental preparation of the people I was near was pretty impressive) and headed to the corals at the start line. We found the 12 minute mile group and went there. Next time I will jump up a little bit and maybe go to the 11 minute group. Mostly because we had to dodge A LOT of walkers during the first couple of miles. It wasn't too bad, but I know that our overall time would have been faster if we moved up. It took us 5 minutes to get from where we were in line to the start line. There were that many people there!

Mile 1 -4 was okay. I felt pretty good. I was just focusing on getting in a rhythm and making sure my body was working out alright. The past couple of weeks I've been having some left hip issues. A runner friend of mine said it is most likely a hip pointer (where you have over run and just need to bring down your mileage.). My hip was indeed hurting the first mile, but then it got worked out as I went on. I saw two of my friends during the 2 mile, which was AWESOME! Around mile 4 I saw a couple other friends! Loved it! It was so great seeing friends along the way. I had no idea that you need so much support when you are out there. If I ever go watch a race I will make sure to bring a cowbell or drum so that I can keep cheering for everyone. The people that were cheering us on, even though they didn't know us, really helped keep our spirits up. At mile 4 we had to endure a little hill, which was kind of tough, but not awful.

Mile 5-8 were my best miles of the race. We were going super fast and felt really, really good at that point. My comment at mile 5 was all we need to do is coast now. It was a long, flat stretch. I just enjoyed these miles so much. I ran into my friend during these miles, which was awesome. She just screamed and cheered for us!!! :)

Mile 8-9 was HARD. It was on a street that was going up a hill. No runner at this point was actually talking. When we reached the top of the hill all the runners were just cheering and celebrating. I was proud that we did not stop and walk up. We kept running (slooooooowwwwwwww jog) the whole time! The downhill part was AWESOME!

Mile 10-12 was HARD. There really weren't any people out there cheering for us. My legs were tired. I was struggling, but I kept on going. I really focused on making my goal at this time.

Mile 12-13.1 was ok. The people cheering were wonderful. I needed a boost of energy and they helped! I saw a coworker and her husband right before I entered Hayward field. She was yelling and screaming for me to keep going. Loved it! I saw the finish line and was pumped to almost be able to make my goal. I crossed the line and couldn't believe that I did it!!!!

My pace was 12:12/mile and ended in 2:40. WOW! What an experience. I really believe anyone can run now that I did it. So if you think you could never do this, think again. Now is the time to dream big dreams and make big goals for yourself. You'd be surprised how great you will feel when you accomplish them.

Next goal for me: Women's half marathon, Sept. 5th! :)

T - 4 days

I am running my first ever half marathon on this upcoming Sunday! HOLY STINKIN' COW! I will be off of my 2nd round of antibiotics by then and will be feeling pretty great. Thank goodness for that. April has been a very hard training month for me. Getting strep in the middle of it with some really long run has made it extremely frustrating and challenging. But i've been feeling pretty good as of late. Thank goodness! I am actually really excited for this event! I can't believe I'm actually going to do this. Wow. I am so thankful that my co-workers/friends have been training with me and putting up with my sometimes endless complaints, haha. I really could not have done any of this without them. I'll on Monday about my first race experience. After that, I'm going to think of a different route to take this blog. Hopefully, sometime to motivate me to actually write more. It's a good outlet for me and I'd love to keep up with it. Who knows what I'll actually end up doing. :)

Peace.

8 and now 9 miles?

I can hardly believe how much i have improved with my running adventure. Last weekend i ran 8 miles by myself and this weekend (my running partner is back in town, thank goodness!) i ran 9 miles. since i live in oregon it was only fitting that we would eventually run in the pouring rain. no joke, pouring. crazy down pour was happening. my shoes are still sopping wet and i need to go run 3 miles out right now, and yes you guessed it, it is still raining.

i'm becoming a believer that anyone can truly run. my friends joke with me that they never saw me as wanting to run. i joke back and tell them that they are correct. but there is something truly special about working towards a goal that just keeps you excited and motivated. running is not easy for me and will most likely never be. but it is a good thing for me to be doing right now. it gives me confidence to be able to do something that i never thought i could do. i would have thought you were crazy years ago if you told me that i could run a total of 9 miles.

then i look at my own life with my relationship with God. isn't God always telling us that we can accomplish so much in life? yet we constantly say we cannot or are unable to do it. running is teaching me a lot. most of what i am learning i really don't have the words for. i'll keep processing it and add more when i come up with it.

a fun note: yesterday while i was running there was a puddle that looked a lot like the christian fish. that was fun to see and a good reminder that i am running towards the prize. the next one i saw was a whale. i don't have anything good about that except that i think whales are fun. maybe i was going crazy since when i saw the fish and whale i was at the end of my run, haha. :)

peace.

7 miles!

Yesterday, team starin (that's my running partner, erin, and my name combined, hehe) ran 7 miles!!!! holy cow!!!!! we seriously ran all over eugene. it was crazy! we are so proud of ourselves and what we have accomplished so far. i am getting more confident that i can run the 13.1 miles. all i know is that there would be no way i could do this without training. it would be impossible for me especially since i am not a natural runner whatsoever. today i did my recover run of 3 miles and it felt really good. i enjoy the slow, peaceful runs.

my ankle is doing alright. i am so glad that i have a brace on. i'd rather be safe than sorry and injure myself more.

happy monday, everyone. :)

good news!

I bought a ankle brace, ran 3 miles yesterday, and do not feel pain. My ankle still feels a little sore and is a tad bit swollen, but not awful. thank goodness! i'm not going to lie, but i definitely did pray for my ankle. i just couldn't believe what happened on sunday and refused to let it get me down. i'm actually getting to the point where i really enjoy running and was sad to think that running might not be the best thing for me. i really am thankful that i'm going to still be able to run. i even ran at a pretty stinkin' good pace yesterday! :)

but it's good to slow down and take it easy. i find that this little injury is a good reminder of that. so it's time to get off the computer and take a personal break just for myself. peace. :)

injury!

Ouch! UGH! GRRRRRRRR! and a lot of other inappropriate words later...

Yesterday i went for my 3 mile recover run after a 6.4 run saturday. As i was running, i passed a lady who was walking who decided to talk to me. of course i kept running while talking to her and was kinda running sideways/backwards. i didn't want to stop because it would have messed up my rhythm. *side note: stop if talking to someone. just stop. do it. don't think about it. just do it! end side note* and as i was talking to this lady my ankle complete went to the ground. it hurt. badly. ugh. and i was really disappointed and worried that i wouldn't be able to run back home. at that point i already ran 1.5 miles. i stretched out my ankle, said some more inappropriate words, and ran back home. it wasn't awful, but i could tell that my ankle was getting tight. so yesterday, i started to ice it and kept stretching it out. if there is one thing that would make me sad it would be training for this half marathon and then doing something lame causing me not to be able to run anymore. so yesterday i went to bed and this morning i knew it would be interesting. i could barely put pressure on my left foot, i have some swelling, but do not have any massive bruising. i looked at some pictures online of sprained ankles and saw the awful looking bruises on peoples ankles. thankfully, i don't think mine is that bad. but i'm pretty sure icing and a brace might be necessary to continue to run this week. i am praying that it heals quickly and that i can continue to run. honestly, i'm just a little bummed out today about this injury. i know this is something that all runners go through. welcome to the world of running, stacie. :)

but if you have a moment please pray for recovery of my ankle. thanks!

peace. :)

5 miles!

My running partner, Erin, and I ran 5 miles yesterday! I feel like the exclamation point would be a sufficient ending to this whole post because I still can't believe that I actually did it. This is a huge accomplishment for me. I've never ran for a whole hour before without stopping. Shoot, I'm not even sure I've attempting to run for a whole hour. I cannot describe how stinkin' excited I am. It's crazy to think that I am working towards running 13.1 miles. Yes, extremely crazy.

Last night at church we had a small group so we all shared how we are doing. I talked with them about running. To give you an idea how running friendly my church community is here are the numbers. There are a total of 11 people in my church, not including myself. Out of those people, 7 of them run at different levels! CRAZY! All I know is that I respect runners so much more now than I ever did. I knew it was a hard thing, but I didn't realize how hard it is. You really have to push yourself at times. But it feels great after a run, even if the run itself was hard.

Everyday that I run I am in complete awe that my body allows itself to work so hard. I am ever so grateful that I can get out there and do this. I never thought I'd say this, but I am actually starting to enjoy running. That in itself is huge. :)

Oh geez

It's been awhile since I've blogged and I have to say I think it has something to do with my personality. I am definitely the kind of person that gets these brillant ideas, starts them for a little bit, and then I will turn to something else that grabs my attention for awhile. Sheesh, the cycle keeps going and going. So I have done really bad at staying on track with this. I have determined that I will continue this. So here goes nothing!

Next week is the last week of pre-training for me. I am really pumped and scared to death at the same time. I am now just getting pretty comfortable with running 2 or 2.5 miles at a time. We start adding a lot more miles once the real training starts. I always think in the back of my mind if I really will be able to do this. The things I know so far from my running experience is that I really truly believe that anyone can run. It's better when you have other people running with you. I'm not sure I could do this alone. I'm grateful that my knees don't hurt and my body can handle running. I know people that are really uncomfortable when they run. The hardest thing for me is breathing. Maybe that will get better with time. :)

That's about it as far as running is concerned. My mind has been on overdrive thinking about other stuff so running hasn't been a huge thing that I spend my time on. I'll have more to add later. Peace. :)

Sweet success!

Yesterday my roommate, co-worker, and I ran 3.9 miles! What an accomplishment. The only really, really hard thing for me while running is getting my breathing under control. I sometimes sound like I'm dying out there, haha. :) It was a really nice run though. I love being able to be outside running. Goodbye treadmills forever. No joke, they are the worst thing to do if you run. At least that's my opinion. I'm looking forward to the 5 miler next month. Pre-training will almost be over and then the hard miles start getting racked up. Here we go half-marathon. I will dominate you! :)

One month

YAY! I am so excited to say that it's been one whole month since I've started running. I never thought I'd be able to run a mile without dying and now I can run 3 miles without feeling like I'm dying. :) Running = slow jog, but still it's better than nothing. When my friend and I were running on Saturday I told her that I am absolutely amazed what our body can do. We can run if we just get up and do it. I'm a true believer that if I can do it, than anyone can do it. Seriously. I'm will not tell you that it isn't going to be hard because that would be a lie. But you can do it. I'm learning that running is starting to mean more to me than I thought it would. It is encouraging to me that I can actually do this. I'm becoming more and more inspired to do other things because of running. We'll see what comes from this, but I'm sure excited. :)

I did remember, and it was good!

I had an absolute GREAT day yesterday remembering my dad. I made it a special day by doing things that my dad loved. First I went walking down to the public library. My dad always walked and I would go on walks with him. It was nice being able to just take my time yesterday doing that by myself. Then I went to the library for a couple of minutes. My dad loved going to the library and using its resources. Goodness, I heart the library too! Best.thing.ever! Then I walked around downtown and just found a fun little store and went into it. Couldn't buy anything b/c it was wayyyyyyy to expensive, but they did have so many awesome things there. The workers were really sweet so I'd definitely go back there. I then decided to go walk and grab some dinner at a local favorite, the laughing planet. My family always ate dinner out once every two weeks, which was also payday. While it wasn't payday for me, I made an exception and ate out anyway. :) I game home and watched the colts play some football, which was always one of my dads favorite things to do. He was a psycho football game watcher who had earphones in his ears listening to the am radio station while watching it on tv. In my house, sundays were only for football. :) During halftime, my roommate sarah and I went to coldstones to get ice cream. Unfortunately, we didn't get any because the line was crazy long and we didn't want to wait b/c the game was on so we headed over to DQ. My dad loved ice cream and whenever we went on trips we always found the places that had ice cream. That made me happy. Then we game back home and finished watching the colts win. I screamed way too much in the game...my dad would have been proud. ;) Then karyl and I played fluxx, which was the monty python version. My dad and family absolutely loved playing games of all types.

It was a good day. I did a lot of things that my dad loved and it was very special to me. I'm grateful for the little memories I hold dear in my heart. :)

13 years

*Sigh* Really, it's been 13 years? Wow. My life was changed drastically 13 years ago when some police officers came to my door to tell my family that my dad passed away. I was only 13 years old at the time. I can hardly believe that he's been gone half of my life. It doesn't seem that long. So I sit here thinking back on that day and my heart is not breaking like it was a week ago. My heart is rejoicing. I'm rejoicing that I had a father who loved me and told me that everyday. I'm rejoicing that my dad did everything he could to give me the most opportunities out of life. I'm rejoicing because he was a good example of how to treat other people, no matter who you were. I'm rejoicing that he held my hand and gave me a lot of attention. I'm rejoicing that he loved my mom so much. I'm rejoicing that I had him as a father.

So i'm thinking of what I could do to remember my dad today. The anniversary day is just a special day and I want to make it a good day. So I want to rejoice in the life my dad had and enjoy today for what it is. I might go see a movie later in remembrance of my dad because he loved movies. I thought that might be a fun thing to do. :)

Love

Love is what has been getting me through this week. Seriously, I don't think I could live this life without feeling loved. Let's be honest, no one can. I could go on and on about this, but I'll save that for another day. I know I am loved because my roommate brought back hot chocolate for me when I sarcastically asked her to get it for me. I am loved because my roommates clean the apartment when it drives me absolutely crazy. I am loved because my dear friend Jess bought me Starbucks, talked with me for awhile, and wrote an incredibly sweet card that brought tears to my eyes. I am loved because a student came up to me, gave me a BIG hug, and said thank you for music today, it totally rocked. I am loved by co-workers who run with me even when I am slow. I am loved by Jesus even when I have so much unbelief, worries, and fears.

I am blessed. I just hope I can love others as well as people love me.

Jesus, thanks for the love.

Peace.

I will always remember

I'm starting to wonder if i actually got all of my crazy tears out last week/last weekend. I've been ok with this week as of now. I think prayer is beautiful and feel that is some of the reason why i don't feel as sad or depressed. My awesome friends also make it so much easier. I'm also taking time out to remember the good times, which is healing to me. We all just need to keep healing. So I will share another thing about my dad that I absolutely loved and carry with me everyday I step into my classroom.

I grew up ever since I was a baby in a music classroom. My dad taught band, choir, and elementary music to all ages of kids. I'm not sure how he actually did it as I look at my own teaching schedule in one building. The fun thing is that I have a friend that is currently teaching the same job that my dad did. It's a small world indeed. Even my first memory is looking up at timpani thinking they were the biggest things ever. :) My dad loved kids as much as he loved my mom, brother, and me. I saw it every time he was with his students, even though I couldn't articulate that back then. He loved working with kids that were less fortunate than others. A lot of his school spoke spanish and were of all different ethnic backgrounds. I grew up in that. What a huge blessing. I loved how my dad didn't care who you were. He talked to everyone and anyone that crossed his path. I am my dad. Sometimes I wish people could meet my dad just so that they could understand me a little more, haha. I teach not because my dad was a teacher, but I teach because it is my passion. I owe my family for sharing their love of music with me. I owe them the experiences I had growing up with people that were different than me. I was friends with my dads students. I owe my dad for teaching me how to love people that weren't just like me. I try to take all of those experiences into my own school so that my students know that they are loved.

I miss my dad a lot, but am thankful for the moments that I had with him. :)

Time out

I'm taking a time out this week to blog on stuff other than running. I want to keep tabs on my whole running adventure up to the half marathon in may, but there has been other stuff that has been on my mind lately so I thought I'd share.

This upcoming Saturday is the 13th anniversary of my dad's death and it sucks a little bit. I'm usually good with the holidays and other stuff, but the anniversary is what absolutely gets me everywhere. It just doesn't ever get easier. But every where I go through this season of life I realize I heal a little more. I cry the tears of pain that I should have cried years ago. I allow myself to feel sadness for the loss of not having my dad with me during pretty important times in my life. I am mourning the thought of not having my dad walk me down the aisle when I get married or when I have kids down the road. And it's slowly, very slowly starting to heal my soul. I will never stop feeling the pain of not having my dad in my life. It won't get easier each year when his anniversary comes up. I will cry a lot. But I've been thinking about what I can do this week to remember who my dad was and is to me. I want to do something special to remember him and I'm not sure exactly what that looks like right now. We shall see what happens.

So this week I will try to share one fun thing about my dad that makes my heart smile. Sometimes you just need to remember the good memories. I'm thankful I've had so many. :)

This is from the night before my dad passed away. My dad is quite the jokester. He absolutely loved to make people laugh, embarrass his family whenever possible, and was actually the loudest human being on this face of the earth. (You would never ever guess where I got my loudness from, hehe) My family took a trip to Target, best store ever, and were walking up the the entrance. Well my dad thought it would be humorous to try to attempt to throw me into the garbage can. He picked me up and I, of course, started screaming and laughing for him to stop. There were people around and here we were making a huge scene, haha. That was so typical of my dad. He liked to have a good time, didn't take things too seriously, and just had fun. It didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. I'm a lot of my dad in that sense and it makes me happy. Even though my dad isn't with me anymore I carry on a lot of who he was. :)

2.48 miles

I walked out of my school with my coworker to go get my other coworker so we could start our run. "Why hello rain." It's Oregon, rain happens. It was my first run running in the rain and I do have to say it was pretty fun. It didn't rain on us the whole time so that's was also nice. I'm thankful for the girls that run with the slow poke of a runner that I am. They keep me motivated and are very patient, even if I do feel like I am slowing them WAY down. Today I had a moment of shock that I am actually doing this. I am running, ERRRR I mean I am jogging. So slowly, but I am doing it. We ran 2.48 miles today!! WOW.

Last night my roommate told me I need to start running to work and I looked at her and thought she was absolutely psycho. It's a 7.5ish mile bike ride for me. The light bulb went off in my mind and I realized that pretty stinkin' soon I will be running over that distance. My mind is getting blown away by what I'll be accomplishing through this half marathon.

So here's to a good beginning of my running adventure. Saturday we are going to be running a 5K (I feel special saying that, hehe). I'm excited for my next running adventure. Bring it! :)

Tomorow is the beginning...

It's true, tomorrow's the beginning. I'll be running from now on with one of my rock-star co-workers, Erin! We are training together. Not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous to run with someone else. I fear I will be too slow or won't be able to keep running while she be able to go and go and go. Ugh, lame. I know it's not true, but somehow I find that my brain thinks that way. Who needs to be optimistic nowadays?! ha, kidding. I am excited to not have to run by myself anymore. That when I do want to quit, which I'm sure will never ever happen (riggggghhhhhhtttttt), and I'll have someone there to keep me motivated. So here's a cheer for tomorrow! Oh hey 2 miles, I will kick your booty! :)

2.11 miles

Yes! My longest run to date! Holy cow, it was a doozy of a run. I think my battle will be mostly about pushing myself to keep running. I still have no idea how to pace myself, have no clue on how fast I am going (or slow for that matter, haha!), or really the proper technique of running. I bet that matters if you are going for time. I'm going for survival running...with the idea of making it to the goal of that day.

The good things of my run today: It was sunny outside! Yippee! I couldn't pass up the opportunity to run outside while the sun was up. It is Eugene after all where the sun barely comes out during the rainy season. People were friendly as I passed them by, which is pretty sweet of them because I'm sure I look like death as I pass them. The best thing about today is that I made it. I really made it. Phew...now does that mean I deserve starbucks later?! ;)

All I know is that 13.1 miles seems like an incredibly LONG run...