life

Today at work i was thinking i don't think i would have ever pictured my life to be like this...and i don't think anyone else did either. Well, maybe some people could have seen my life turn to this, but man they never told me, haha. I always go back to my thought a year and a half ago...that i would be teaching in ips, living in an apartment by myself (which is something that I've always wanted to do), going back to grad school for my masters, and saving up enough money to buy a new car/wedding (which is funny cuz that was no where close to happening and isn't any closer now), and just living like the worldly person should live. Looking back i can laugh at those thoughts because it's not what God ever wanted me to live into. Some of those things may happen because i'd like to get married one day and have a safe car that i can trust to drive around...don't have the best track record with the car that's for sure! :) But i see how that master plan that apparently i had all figured out would have destroyed me in so many different ways. I just wanted to be stable thinking that was going to do the trick of some sort of perfect world for me and then God challenged all of that. He took away my control of my life and sent me in a direction i would have never have thought i'd go into and still sometimes think it's funny that he's continuing to throw me off in every day situations. So yeah whatever i went into the training school, hehe, which no one really has any idea what the heck that is and half the time i can't even describe it to people because i don't know what is going on, haha. So it's been fun. :) But during this program i realized how much God was changing my heart and refining me. It's been really hard at times, tears were shed, and other times it was truly wonderful. All of it has been purposeful, and sometimes i still am figuring out what the purpose was/is. But i know that my heart has changed and i pray that we all are continuing to change...change is good.

I'm still learning to be ok with the fact that I felt like I'm being called to live a life of being uncomfortable...that maybe I'll never have that stable life i dreamed of. That my heart is for missions and i don't know exactly what that means, except that Eugene ties into that. i love the fact that i didn't know anything about church planting and then God ended up giving me a desire and heart to be apart of it...and i've struggled through the process of being on the team. I've just been encouraged from it because God has done some really cool things lately in regards to Eugene. I've got to talk to some people about it pretty openly and also have a job interview coming up. Also, all of my paperwork is filled out for my oregon teaching license, just waiting for my first aid card. It's just cool to see how God has been opening these doors for me. Everyday i'm blown away because I never knew my life would be like this. And i pray that my life just keeps doing crazy things. I feel it may and that's ok.

And sometimes i think i am crazy for living this life. Because it's not the "normal" life that people expected me to have. But this has been more fulfilling then anything else I could have chosen for me. And shoot, I'm still young...I got a lot more life to live and many more opportunities for God to do some crazy, off the wall things in my life. I'll probably kick and scream all the way, but in the end God wins. Thank goodness He does or i'd never be where I am today.

"May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all of your requests."
Psalm 2o:4-5

I want to see God

I want to see God:
when i wake up,
when i brush my teeth,
when i figure out what to wear today,
when i drink my daily cup of coffee,
when i lock the door to my house,
when i sit at work,
when i pass a stranger on the street,
when i am troubled,
when i am poor in spirit,
when i am joyful,
when i am broken,
when i am sinful,
when i am uncertain,
when i pray,
when i watch the sunset,
when i dream dreams,
when i am confused,
when i am content,
when i am frightened,
when i am lonely,
when i am worshiping,
when i don't know where to turn,
when i go to sleep...
I see God when for once,
and maybe only a second in a day,
i forget about myself,
and follow Him.

prayer

I'm doing this thing where I walk, yay exercise, and just pray and meditate. I think i do more of the talking though, haha. lately, i've just been filling my plate so full of doing stuff, which is usually ok, but i'm lacking in truly laying a solid foundation in jesus. i also believe that there are so many different ways to draw close to God and that it can happen at every moment in the day if i would just stop and put aside my own selfishness. i'm bombarded by so many choices and by routines that i just don't stop, look, and listen to God.

but while i was walking i think i realized some of my own fears. I sometimes lose vision of eugene and start to just freak out about moving to the other side of the united states. i start to think about my community here whom i love dearly. but then i thought shoot ya know i'll go where YOU want me to go not where I want to go. again, i felt at peace about it. i think this is all part of the process of going to eugene and i continually have to remind myself that my life is not my own and that i will go where he wants to send me. i thank the people in my life who keep reminding me of my vision and how excited i was, and am still today, about going to eugene. :)
.

so much and so little time...

i've been processing a lot of stuff lately. so much stuff that my brain won't be able to handle all of the stuff that is in it. i've felt every single emotion in so many different, random ways that it sorta just makes me laugh thinking about.

i'm really starting to enjoy those little gifts in life that i really believe God blesses us all with. today it was a red cardinal in a tree. i passed him as i was walking in this beautiful weather we've been having. i just love to hear the birds! that in itself is a gift. another day back around mardi gras i went into work on a saturday for some extra hours. i came back to my car and had beads around my drivers side mirror. all the cars on the side of the road that i was parked on had some sort of beads on their car! i just laughed, almost cried because it was right after i went down to new orleans...so thank you to whoever put that on my car.

my thought is that God blesses us everyday with little things. he loves us more then i think we will ever understand...i'm still processing that. :) and i think i sometimes overlook that love that is so needed everyday. i end up turning to other things that just won't compare to Gods love. i admit my failure in that area, but i just don't want to miss God in my life. I want to experience the richness he has in plan for me. and i want to experience peoples stories in life of what God is doing in them. he's doing something little and/or big in all of our lives.

are we just willing to let go and follow him? most days i'd say yes to that question, but when i take my eyes off Jesus then i end up just falling in the water. maybe one day i'll stop being stupid and not look at sparkly things but only look at him! hehe :)