New Orleans

I was a little nervous to actually go down to New Orleans to do the mission trip. It was definitely something out of my comfort zone...if you know me, you know I am not completely handy, haha.

I love seeing people living lives for Christ. People who have given up everything for the glory of the Lord. The team of people down at crossroads missions have a heart for new orleans. They want to see the mess be cleaned up and renewed. There are a total of about 120,000 houses abandoned in the city. Everywhere you look you will see destruction. A lot of the ares were already fairly poor, but katrina sure didn't help them out any. And my new friends at crossroads are building up houses for people so that they can again have hope. My biggest prayer while I was down there was for hope. There were some people that we talked to who have lost so much, but you can still see a glimpse of hope in their eyes. It's that hope that brought tears to my eyes. They still want to see their communities built up and taken care of.

I know that my heart broke so much while I was down there.

The cool thing was that there are so many organizations that are working together to help each other build up the city. That's definitely a cool thing to see. I love seeing the big church becoming one. That's how I believe the church should look like. Crossroads did a great job of just being present and sharing love to others. It was such a blessing to be able to work with them this past week. And while I was there I realized how much I have a heart for the United States (that's another topic I'll discuss later). I want to see the church as whole work together and accomplish great things with each other.

I will definitely do another trip like this again. My heart is being more and more transformed into a servants heart. :)

New Orleans

We're, the training school, going to be heading down to New Orleans bright and early tomorrow morning. I ask for prayer in our travels, safety while we are on the work site, and just time to share life with each other. We're going to be building houses, cleaning up the streets, and possibly other stuff. I'm excited about this because this is my first work missions trip. The great thing is I get to share this with people who I love dearly. I believe God will be doing some cool stuff with our group while we are out there and that excites me.

I'm also excited to see how God is continuing to help me grow in so many different aspects of my life. I feel like he has a hand on my life in a way I've never known before. The reconstruction is bringing out some cool, sometimes painful things, but it's making sense. God brings us things to our attention when we need it brought up to us. No earlier, no later then his perfect time. I'm learning.

Slowly getting it...

I think this so called blog will be fun reading material for me down the road. I'm finding that I may be the only one that reads this and that's ok...because maybe, just maybe it will help me process what my mind has been thinking. I thought two main concepts today...one excited me and the other was more painful, but will be good.

I'm realizing more and more that God has created me to be around people that don't know Him. I thought of that because a friend of mine is going to be joining this missions org. where basically everyone loves Jesus...and that made me really happy to think about. I think I'd like that later on in life and might just need it after church planting, hehe. Just kidding! But I feel more at home right now with people who have been burned by religion, the church, christians, etc. My passion is to build relationships with people and just love them. It's why I love volunteering at outreach so much. And that's why I just love having friendships with people, no matter who they are.

The other thing I am processing is my control of myself. How I still don't let people enter into my life whole-heartedly. That I don't allow people to speak words of affirmation into my life because that means I have lost control of my independency. If someone encourages me in something i have failed myself because i should have been able to do it and not receive any encouragement. Well, it's all backwards thinking. It's not allowing people to share life with. And it's painful for me to be figuring this out right now...but there is a reason why God put this one my heart today. I'm going to continue to process it everyday.

Numb

Had a rough day this week and the only way I could describe it was numb. It was one of those days where you just come home and feel incredibly wired to the max, unable to relax the tension in your body, and just can't seem to fall asleep. I'm glad I had that day because it was in fellowship with people. But I sure questioned a lot of things and the one thing that kept popping up in my head was...God, we need you, but how come these things are happening? What's going on here? I just felt numb...where I wanted to cry on behalf of people and myself, but just couldn't release the tears.

The numbness broke yesterday during class. We had just a worship time together with music and sharing. I experienced the freedom that my soul so desperately needed. Even though that day was hard for me this past week I still felt God was holding on to me, protecting me and protecting everyone else.

I just want to be like the disciples that dropped their nets, left everything they had, and followed Jesus. Maybe I should try to drop my net every day rather then every once in a while. I can't guarantee that I won't have numbness, but I will have joy in His presence.

:)

I am just blessed to be walking along side some people who are truly wanting to follow the will of God. I am just excited to see people being sent. It's so great seeing people have a passion for the Lord and who are wanting to devote their life to ministry. If you don't want to do it then usually that means you are meant for it. And you don't have to be sent far to make me excited about the kingdom! I love hearing what people are doing in Indy, what their passions are for this city, and what they have felt God is calling them to do in this place of life. Part of me doesn't want to leave this place. I think in my heart I will always be a Hoosier.

I choose to be present in this moment. I'm still in Indy, still investing life in other peoples lives, working, being silly, and just learning what it means to be a follower of Christ.

But then I see how God is sending people all over. And I know I'm being called to leave this city that I love, people that I love, and my comfort zone all for His glory. It doesn't make me not worry about the future...and that's when I start freaking out. Why do I feel like I need to know everything? That somehow I deserve to know my future. This is a cool season of life for me. I feel as though God is really teaching me a lot. It's a season where I know I need encouragement and I feel I am being blessed in that area.

It's also a hard month for me to go through. This upcoming Wednesday is the 11th year of my dad's death. I'm reminded of hope. And words can't explain how I feel. Tears express it and silence speaks. There is nothing as beautiful as silence...for that is when hope expresses itself so elegantly.

Confirmation

I've had some great conversations with people about what they would like confirmation to look like in their life. All these people are seeking what their will is in their life, unsure, but hopeful that God will reveal himself. Well, they may not say that in those words, but there is something there in their lives that is encouraging me. I don't know how to describe it.

I do know that they are the ones that just get me so excited to be living in this kingdom with them. They love the Lord, recognize the fact that they are completely messed up, yet they keep seeking Gods face. They keep me from giving up. I know that their seem to be more questions then answers in their life, yet they still remain hopeful.

I don't know what confirmation looks like for everyone. I know it's different according to the people I've been talking to. For my life specifically I realized that the way I would like confirmation really doesn't happen the way I would like it. I am just tired of my family (who are walking along side of me) telling me they can't make the decision for me. I know that they won't be able to do that because of our own selfishness and stubbornness. I do believe that people can make decisions for other people. I just need people to be walking along side me, praying for me, me trusting them that they are praying for me, and having truth spoken into my life from those people. Maybe just a glimpse into what God is telling them from their prayers. I yearn for that type of community.

The flip side of that is that I don't also do that for others. I'd much rather use my pastoral gifts then being the prophet. I lack boldness, which is something I am being encouraged in. I'd much rather ask people questions sort of getting them to the point of what I think is going on in their life. So I end up being exactly what I want people to not be. I've heard that the way you look at others is the way you view yourself. I think that's primarily why I don't always believe the way I want confirmation to pan out in my life will ever happen. Interesting...

Beautiful

The title of this is a word someone sent to me in an email recently. It has nothing to do about my looks, haha, but it had to do with what I sent out to people. I didn't really realize how the email I sent out was such a great time to process 6 months of what I have been doing into a couple of paragraphs. I do not think I can fully explain to you what I have been going through since the training school has started. I just don't know how to begin. But the word beautiful describes it perfectly. So does lovely ecclesiastes when it is stated something to the effect of, everything will be made perfect in its time.

I look back and realized how I haven't really been using the gifts God has given me. I use the excuse that there is just a lot going on in my life and I just can't do that right now...I can't put time into peoples lives when I feel like I'm breaking apart in 300 different pieces. But I wonder if I missed out on time with people, walking with them, and just loving them. I do feel it was a crazy season in my life where I was being broken, challenged, and moved drastically. I learned a lot on how to give up my control in a lot of things. And it's funny to think that tonight I had a conversation in the car with God on how I'm ready to jump back into the gifts he has given me. I appreciated the space and break from it. There is a time and place for everything, and it will be made perfect. Sometimes I just need to step back and allow others to use their gifts.

Beautiful. A word that yearns, reaching for the unknown, breaking barriors and making an impact on peoples hearts.

Beautiful.

Church

I had the opportunity to go to a messianic service tonight. I thought it was beautiful in a way where people were there to truly experience God. During the music portion I was brought to tears from so many things I have been trying to fight. I agreed and disagreed during the sermon part. The rabbi was pretty intense and very passionate.

But the question that has been burning a hole through my brain is what is church? I have always known the church to be many different buildings down different roads, with different theological beliefs and convictions. And I love church, just hate the fact that people believe church is the building. God was present in the messianic service, God is present in a a methodist service. There is only one God and there is none like Him, yet why do we make church into this big ordeal which ultimately turns people away from the very essence of why we are going week after week.

I'm challenged by defining what the church is. I do know that I value people coming together to worship together. I think one of the most beautiful pictures I take in my heart wherever I go is just a vision of people praying together. Being together in that moment is church to me.

I don't have the right words to put down. I think of what I would call brillant thoughts and then it just vanishes or I just don't like what I wrote down. I love to read people's blogs, learn about what they are doing, and just hear their stories. Here's my first story.

My life has been completely turned upside down, thrown around a little bit, and then some. I am traveling a bumpy road full of questions and most of them have no answers. I see the world through a different lens. I enjoy the solitude and silence in the day, yet don't seem to set enough time to get that. My heart feels the burdens of people in the city who have less or nothing at all, yet I can see my same brokenness in them. I have a desire to dream dreams that will impact and radically change my life. I get frustrated when I feel lost in the darkness, though I know the light is near. Everyday is new and everyday I'm picking myself up for the bigger race I am racing. I have a deeper love for God. Crying is something to embrace and experience, though my hardness gets in the way. I am very passionate and sometimes not passionate at all. I want to see love overcome all boundaries. I wish I could go back to the way it was, but know that is not for me. I want to trust in Him and surrender my control. Lord, I believe...help me with my unbelief.

I am on a new phase in this journey of life. It's good, though I'm scared to death. Maybe that's what life's all about.