you've heard this before

i have these moments where my brain comes up with a complete amazing, inteligant thought. 10 seconds later it passes and i totally forget what on earth i was even thinking about. so when i have these moments i continue to be filled with joy with people who can write down thoughts that seem so incredibly beautiful. i love it...love reading things people have to say. i've always, and will always be, a sucker for true stories. i want to know about people. what they are passionate about, where they have been, what they will be doing, etc. and if you know me, you know that i ask a lot of questions. we all have special gifts...so i will live through the people that write beautiful pieces of art. sometimes i just want to thank people for writing and allowing me to enter into their world for a moment.

this and that

I had a retreat this weekend with the choir i am a part of. it was great and hard at the same time. the hard thing is feeling like you are the last kid picked on the playground kind of feeling...where there were cliques of people formed pretty tightly and then there were the "outsiders" (aka me) but that got better as the weekend progressed. That was the negative part of the weekend. the great part was the fact that i was surrounded by people who were talking classical music talk with me. once that started i felt completely at home. It was great!

I've been pretty tired. this week was pretty intense and hectic. and my roommates went on a camping excursion...which means that i am home alone. i realize more and more that i am such a people person. being alone for a long period of time is hard for me. i find that it is hard because it really makes me slow down. i sometimes wonder if i hide behind always doing things...well i shouldn't wonder that because it's basically true. though if i don't have time to myself here and there i feel completely crazy. i can't seem to balance all of it. does anyone else have this problem?

i am truly loving the fact that it is fall. it is by far my most favorite time of the year! apple picking, cinnamon candles, pumpkin carving, pumpkin pie, leaves changing colors, wearing sweatshirts at all times....sheesh the list can go on and on. fall is a tad bit different here then it is in the midwest...but i still love it! :)

Sometimes it's hard

I've just been struggling lately. With my thoughts on theology to just everyday stuff. Then I talked to a good friend today and it made me a little sad that I can't just jump in my car and go and see him. And I look back to some people and the conversations I could easily have with them about everything and how much I miss that. I just miss it. Some things are hard about moving to another city. It's hard to stay in touch with people. And I'm a person who thrives with people so not having those people I was close with is sometimes a tad bit hard on my heart. But then I get so grateful for the times when God surprises me right when I need it. Like tonight, with a phone call from a dear friend...it helps in the moments where I feel alone, sad, etc. I went through the grieving process before heading out to Eugene, but it is again happening a little now. I am grieving the fact that I don't get to see certain people who are back in Indiana. And it's ok, because this is all part of the process. It reminds me again and again that emotions are a good thing...that I can take all of this to God for He already knows how I feel. Even though I feel weak God provides my strength through the times that are hard. And in that I will praise his name! :)

I don't have to do a thing

I think living life and loving jesus can be a pretty simple thing. Yet, as humans we make everything 10 times more complicated then it really is. Then we meet other people who add to that complication and we seem to just continue on a path of wordy vomit. I am really starting to enjoy this city. I've made some friends which is really fun. They know I am here with a group of people starting a church. And my heart was sad and broken. Mostly because my new friends are completely jaded by the church and "religion" and all that they have encountered with it. I heard awhile ago from a very wise person who started a church in michigan. He said I never once asked someone to go to my church. He was even the pastor of that church! I thought that was truly beautiful. Shoot, I really don't have to do a thing. I just want to listen and love. I know i can't change someones views on who Jesus is. But I do know that He can and does do that everyday. I just pray that I can continue to love differently, unconditionally...and love Jesus more while doing it. Everytime conversations with people like what happened earlier come up I realize how much more I love Jesus. The very cool thing tonight is how much I saw Jesus in my friends...He was present and it was a beautiful time of fellowship. :)

A little bit of sadness

I sometimes go through these moments where I just plain ole' miss my dad. This started today and lasted today. It made my heart break for all the people in the world that have lost someone in their life. I know some people that have never experienced a loss in their life and I have also met people who have happened to have lost many, many people. No one is different. A loss is a loss and it's a hard one at that. I was reading through my friend Jill's blog, on RD's caring bridge site, about having a void in her life...nothing can fill or sustain her except God. So as I go through the times of thinking about the void of my dad in my life, such as talking to him, getting guidance, having him at my students performances, walking me down the aisle, etc. I realize that it would have been wonderful to be able to have him there, but he would never be able to fill the spot that only God can fill. And that is what keeps me going when I feel sad about the loss of my dad.

Feel His Presence

I'm a pretty fast paced person. I could never sit still as a child and I was always moving around doing things. That has carried over to the present time. I find things in my life to just keep me active, busy. Things are changing where I've had to slow down from numerous things that happened this past year to just wanting to slow down a little bit more.

There are some friends from Indiana that came to visit us this weekend. I'm really starting to enjoy showing people Eugene. Every time I talk about it or share the city with them it makes me realize how much I am supposed to be here. We also took a little road trip to the mountains and got to share that with them. There is this one trail that leads you to this truly breathtaking waterfall and then a smaller waterfall. And as I was at the smaller one I had some time to just be by myself. I love those times, and actually need those times so much. I just prayed to feel His presence.

And this feeling His presence has been coming up a lot in the Eugene church. I want that to be my mindset. Where ever I am, whatever I am doing...I want to truly feel Jesus's presence. My eyes open up to a lot of hope and love when I start thinking with that mindset. I start to see Jesus where I go, in the people I talk with, and even in me.

So I pray that you take some time out of your day today to just feel His presence. Dwell in it and feel the love He has for you and for everyone in the world.

Much love, friends, much love :)

Homelessness

Side note. If you ever come to Eugene you will notice a lot of people around town that are homeless. Everytime I pass someone that is, my heart breaks. I hope that heartbreak never dies.

Today

I think life is funny. I don't work on Mondays (it's a good and bad thing all at the same time). Today I was fighting a major sore throat, yuck! So i wasn't feel all that well and had a bunch of things planned on doing. Grocery shopping (I'm going to attempt to make chicken florentine and my friend lee is going to call poison control here in town so no one else has to even think about it you jerks, hahaha), running to the bank, spending money on a stupid civil law class i have to take to keep my oregon teaching license and signing up for another lame praxis test (total cost of those two things, $180...good thing teachers make a butt load of money! HA). And then i had a phone call i had to make to set up an appointment, and then another call. I then called it quits, frustrated, tired, not feeling good, irritable, etc.

Suddenly all of the days troubles and frustrations i seemed to be running into didn't matter anymore. I went to choir practice tonight and oh how i have missed singing in a group. It was beautiful. We sang our hearts out and my throat is feeling it now. There's just something about music that just takes away the things that my mind has been wrapped up in. It's something that drew me into music a long, long time ago. And i love it because so many of these people i sang with tonight have been doing this for so many years and you can still tell that they are passionate about it. That truly brings me joy!

I saw a lot of the Kingdom at the rehearsal. God teaches me a lot through music. :)

Church

For the past year I have spent most of my time talking about church. What it is, how do you "do" church, what is your definition of church, etc. etc. etc. Then I realized a lot through that process that there are many things about the church that I do not like and there are a lot of things that I do like. And since I am out here in Eugene we, the team, are our own church. So that brought up conversation between CJ and me. We miss some things about the big corporate body. Singing and worshiping with people. I miss seeing how many people love Jesus or are trying to figure out more and more who He is. But as we were talking this morning we both really appreciated the church we were having. Drinking coffee, eating cinnamon rolls, and listening to music. We are indeed praising God for the day He has given us. We are the church. Where two or more gather He is here with us.

I find this time to be a growing time for me. I have known for a really long time that I do not need to go to a church service in the morning to love God anymore then I did the day before. But I still see the beauty of God's presence in the moments where many people gather to declare their love to God.

Afterall, I have had many church moments out here in Eugene. Riding bikes around town, grabbing a beer with the group, watching movies, playing cards, eating dinner with the team...that is such a beautiful, tangible way to experience church. I'm holding on to those moments during the times when I am doing something different on sundays then I did when I was in Indy.

So I don't care what day it is...all I want to do is love God, love people, and experience more of His presence today.

:)

silence

i have a million questions go through my mind a day. half of those i want to ask other people. why this, why that...etc, etc, etc.

i think words are used too much. and i think i use them too much.

i was talking with the team about how i imagine Jesus. i imagine lots of people following him while he was silent. that people learned so much from him by watching and observing.

i want to do more of that...watch, listen, remain silent, and be present. to me, that is beautiful.

Cupcakes, DDR, and knitting like old women

I heart my roommates. Basically because we do the most random things at the most random times. CJ decided she wanted to start to knit so she bought some yarn and is borrowing my needles. Of course Sarah and I just couldn't watch her have all the fun so we bought some fun yarn and now we are all beginning to look like an old lady knitting. Please, don't be jealous. Even you can pick up some needles and some yarn, hop on a plane to Eugene, and knit with the best of us! The comes cupcakes. CJ again got picked on as we were all saying at random times today about how we like cake...so she made us mini cupcakes...which are super cute because I added fall sprinkle colors to them! Yes, sparkles! :) And we finished the day off playing DDR. Which we basically are amazing at, or actually not so amazing, but we sure do have fun!

So again, I heart my roommates. Not because of the cupcakes, DDR, or knitting like old women (though that makes it a lot of fun!), but for who they are. We haven't killed each other yet and seem to be doing ok. So yay for that. Thank goodness God knows what He was doing when he placed us random 3 people together...for we are all different in many different ways. I would definitely be a lot more lonely and sad if I was here without these chicas in my life. :)

Tomorrow is my first day of school with the kiddos! I still am amazed with what God has done in my life...by getting me out to Eugene, giving me a job, and opening up doors to be in two choirs here in town. My life has now officially become quite busy and crazy. That to me feels like my life is back to normal again. :)

Much love.