Control lesson 101

I have a pretty massive weakness...it's called CONTROL. It usually beats the crap out of me mostly, well, all the time. I was always that person in group work that just would take control of it so that it would get done and get done efficiently. Oh brother...my weakness gets the best of me and then things happen to me where that control, my dear ole' buddy, finds it has no power.

Eugene, Oregon. Let me dwell on this for a moment.

I started applying for jobs out there a couple of months ago. That's not necessarily a bad thing ya know, since I am taking the responsibility to look for a job and successfully apply for it in a timely manner. I had a couple of interviews in the April/May month for two different schools. I was declined both jobs, which was ok, though the control part of me just really wanted a job so that I could have one more thing checked off of the check list. Again, I repeat, it's a weakness. One I'm not all that proud of. The last declined offer for a job was exactly two months ago to this date. Weird, huh? I think so. Mostly I think it's crazy because that job is the job that I just got today!

Where was my good ole' buddy ole' pal control at? Definitely not present because this was a spur of the moment random act of God's goodness. I just cannot deny that. Not one bit can I say that God did not plan all of this out for me. In fact, I was pretty much positively sure that I wouldn't get a job until I got out to Eugene. I felt peace about that. It was a peace where I knew God would take care of me and I'd have a door open up somewhere...I just needed to trust Him. And for the past two months it's been HARD, stressful, overwhelming, and just crazy not having a job. I can't even explain how much God has started to break me of my good ole' friend control. It's a huge blessing and testimony of God's love for me. I am absolutely overwhelmed by His faithfulness.

So I'm Miss Kapciak to K-5 grade students starting on Sept. 2, which is their first day of school. Yeah, the Pacific Northwest is soooo smart for starting school after Labor Day. They win the smart award! When I had the interview and was talking about teaching it just got me really excited to be able to teach again. I LOVE teaching music to elementary students!!!! :)

One week friends and I'll be hitting the road. I can't believe that I have a job in Eugene. All I can do is praise Him...and of course cry for joy! :)

Silence

I believe that everyone, regardless of who you are, has a voice and that voice needs to be heard. I find myself sometimes believing I am not worthy of being heard. Surely I have nothing intelligent or worthwhile to say. But I find myself sometimes getting into a trap of just talking way too much, and my words become a huge mess of noises. On the other side of this, I believe everyone has a voice that needs to be silent. Where we stop thinking we can help or know the answers to everyone problems. Have we lost the art of listening?

I'm a question asker to the point where I have to seriously punch myself in the face to stop asking people questions. I tend to listen, but definitely don't listen as much as I talk. And I think most of you would agree that I like to talk. :) I just find it hard to listen. It's a weakness of mine. Because of that weakness I always want to ask people questions so that I can learn a little more about who they are.

That makes sense in my brain because sometimes all I want is for someone to ask me questions. Questions that challenge me and strengthen me...ya know those good ones where you just start crying cuz it was that good of a question. But I'm being blessed by silence. It's what I need right now.

I'm struggling with hearing people telling me words of things I already know. It's things that people are really being sincere with, but it just hurts my heart. It's a time in my life right now where I just need to be heard and in return I just need silence.

But how on earth do we discern that in peoples lives? How do we know when to be silent or when to use our words?

I'm grateful for the words people are speaking into my life. They are encouraging. But don't you ever just find that after you hear the same thing over and over again you just sense it's the "right" thing people should be saying and just want them to stop saying it. It's like that record that has a crack in it and is stuck on the same phrase that keeps repeating over and over again. That your brain just gets numb to those words and more frustrated because it won't stop? Yeah. That's me.

I'm guilty. I say things to people all the time that are the "right" things to say instead of just being silent. It makes me look important, intelligent, witty, and cocky. I apologize for playing that game. I want to listen more to people and just be silent. I spend so much time thinking of what I am going to say that I miss half of what someone is telling me. And in all actuality what that person is telling me is most likely what I need to be hearing.

There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this.
~Donald Miller

Saying Goodbye

Last night I was challenged with processing how I am going to be saying goodbye to people. The facts are out there. In 13 days I will be leaving Indianapolis and will be planted in Eugene. I have been mentally preparing for this for 6 months, but the reality of it sort of trumps the actual mental preparation of leaving. Basically, it's hard for me to think about the people here that have meant a lot to me. It leaves me to be a beautiful emotional nutcase at most times.

I keep thinking about the call Jesus set for the disciples. To go into cities in pairs with nothing on them and just be present. And it makes me question the emotions they were thinking. Were they excited? Sad? Mad? Just how were they feeling? Why don't we get that information? And it starts to make sense to me. We don't get that information because it would take a lot of the mystery away of what God is up to in the story of our lives. He tells us peace He leaves with us. So why do I feel like I need every question answered? It's because I want the control. But one thing I am learning is that my want to control does not line up with trusting God. Control and trust just aren't working for me. It's a battle I fight everyday. I want control so I start to rely on myself a little bit more rather then fully trusting in what God is doing. It's ok that I cannot see everything or know every answer to my question. God is starting to reveal things He wants me to know when He wants me to know it. That usually happens when I don't expect it. :)

Tears from brokenness

I've learned a little bit about myself during the past year, which flows beautifully into the present. I was someone who thought everything was ok, grand, swell. I had no worries in life, which is often what I told myself because that meant I was weak. I've been broken of that during the past year. I know some of you would never believe me that I used to never cry, considering now I'd cry at just about anything. But some of you might be shocked that I actually do cry. While in Toronto this past weekend I heard someone said that this one man cried for people because they would not cry for themselves. I believe that was a beautiful statement. I found myself sitting in a park in Toronto this past Sunday listening to some hymns on my ipod with tears just streaming down my face. I was broken. Broken for the people in the park with no home, no where to go, maybe no people to love them just as they are. So I cried. I cried because it hurt to see people all around me living that life. I cried because I felt helpless. I cried because I am part of a community where my tears do not make me weak and I am still loved because of them. I cried because I recognized that God created me to cry for myself and for others. I cried because words meant nothing and it was beautiful. A year ago I sat in that same exact park. Looking back God has done a lot of stuff in my life, heart, and He has made me free to cry for that is who I am. I now cry for the brokenhearted, beaten down, helpless people in the world. God created me to cry. I didn't really realize that until I felt He spoke that into me during my time at the park. I thank God that I have been broken enough to release the emotion I have held back inside of me for years.

Friends

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson






More then anything I have learned how to live in true community with people unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I believe it's something that truly set my heart free, grew me, and basically transformed me. But I know I am created for more then this. I know God is doing some crazy cool things in me. I just realize each day that there is no way that I could have done this without the people that have walked with me, asked me the hard questions, read through my "I'm ok" comments, challenged me to be more of who God created me to be, listened to me, allowed me to cry, knew what I was thinking about even before I said anything, and just loved me. I'm living right now in a place of complete thankfulness for the people God has brought into my life. I wanted to share some pictures of the people that I love dearly, and who also happen to be some of the people that I will be leaving soon. Our journey, my friends, is just beginning...

Hard

I'm learning how life is hard, but beautiful at the same time. The fact that I can admit that things are hard is a huge accomplishment. I'm starting to feel redeemed from things in my life that I've always felt the need to just hold onto because it's what I have just learned to accept. Almost like that was my only choice. During this process of being set free from some bondage I'm seeing more of Jesus. The cross is becoming more real. Sometimes all I can do is just cry out to God to take my hand. And everyday I feel God saying for me to trust Him or he asks me Are you going to trust me? And most days I do trust God in what he is doing in my life, but other days I feel too weak. Those are the days that my tears are my prayers. Part of me still wants to hold onto the strength that I feel I have...that I am fine and am ok and have a mask up so no one can enter into community with me. I'm messed up, I hurt, I cry, I fight off the temptations to do everything myself daily, and I am loved by the One who can love me sufficiently, yet I am blinded by my own weaknesses.

I have absolutely no idea what God is doing in my life right now. Why I am going through some of the stuff that I am going through and it's hard. I'm opening up more then I've ever truly opened up to people. I have no problem just talking with people and telling them what's going on in my life, but this time is different. I want God to use me. Use my vulnerability to glorify Him. I sense God wants me to stop doing what I'm used to doing and go to Him with every thought, hurt, joy, masked emotion, etc...just everything.

This is my journey. I enjoy sharing my life with people. I'm who I am because God created me. There is beauty in me and each one of us...and that is something we don't always see in each other. I see beauty in peoples brokenness as much as in their happiness. I'm slowly recognizing the fact that God is so evident in my life...that He wants my beauty to come out. I thank the people in my life who see me for who I am when all I see is a big mess. God provides.

My eyes were open

I am moving out of my apartment by June 30th and moving into my friend Shayna's house, if it doesn't get sold right now and I'd be ok if it did cuz that would be a huge answer to prayer! Well, I have a lot of big furniture items that need to be out of my apartment and I emailed people seeing if they wanted them or knew or anyone that needed them. So I got some responses and can help out some people, but one person in particular just opened my eyes to what I imagine the kingdom was intended to be. A lady I work with has a daughter who is living in an apartment with basically nothing at all. I told her I have a bunch of furniture i'm just giving away and it was so cool to see her just almost cry out of joy. I cried on the way home...cried because God opened my eyes to the fact that nothing I own is truly my own. And I struggled with giving away some of the stuff, like my tv, because part of me still lives in the material items world. But I was hoping my furniture could just bless someone like it did to me and I'm finding out that it will. I was a tad overwhelmed, exited, and just amazed by how much God was present in this situation.

Another significant thing going on is that we paid the deposit for the apartment in Eugene. Our applications will be going out tomorrow. If all goes well we will be able to move into our new apartment on Aug. 8th, meaning we will leave Indy probably around Aug. 4th. Wow, that is sure coming up. I am feeling more and more excited about what God is doing in the lives of all of the Eugene team. I'm learning how to trust God more in the fact that currently I don't have a job and believing that we will all be taken care of out there! I'm not saying this process for us has it's ups and downs, because some days are harder then the others. We need prayer during the next couple of months. Prayer for jobs, for the apartments to come through for us, logistical nightmares to be worked out, and just peace about the season that we are in. I'm excited for this new part of my life to begin. It truly is a new experience. :)