Hard

I'm learning how life is hard, but beautiful at the same time. The fact that I can admit that things are hard is a huge accomplishment. I'm starting to feel redeemed from things in my life that I've always felt the need to just hold onto because it's what I have just learned to accept. Almost like that was my only choice. During this process of being set free from some bondage I'm seeing more of Jesus. The cross is becoming more real. Sometimes all I can do is just cry out to God to take my hand. And everyday I feel God saying for me to trust Him or he asks me Are you going to trust me? And most days I do trust God in what he is doing in my life, but other days I feel too weak. Those are the days that my tears are my prayers. Part of me still wants to hold onto the strength that I feel I have...that I am fine and am ok and have a mask up so no one can enter into community with me. I'm messed up, I hurt, I cry, I fight off the temptations to do everything myself daily, and I am loved by the One who can love me sufficiently, yet I am blinded by my own weaknesses.

I have absolutely no idea what God is doing in my life right now. Why I am going through some of the stuff that I am going through and it's hard. I'm opening up more then I've ever truly opened up to people. I have no problem just talking with people and telling them what's going on in my life, but this time is different. I want God to use me. Use my vulnerability to glorify Him. I sense God wants me to stop doing what I'm used to doing and go to Him with every thought, hurt, joy, masked emotion, etc...just everything.

This is my journey. I enjoy sharing my life with people. I'm who I am because God created me. There is beauty in me and each one of us...and that is something we don't always see in each other. I see beauty in peoples brokenness as much as in their happiness. I'm slowly recognizing the fact that God is so evident in my life...that He wants my beauty to come out. I thank the people in my life who see me for who I am when all I see is a big mess. God provides.