Blessed

I am so incredibly blessed being out here in Eugene. I have many reasons, but would like to tell you about my very dear friend Jess. She is a friend that I do a lot of stuff with here in the city. We hang out now watching american idol together while eating yummy food on tuesdays, thursday nights we hang out playing games/eating yummy food/watching the office, and we hang out other random times. I feel like I've known her for an incredibly long time, but we have only been friends 5 months total.

I love friendships that truly make you become the person who you are meant to be. I'm grateful she is one of those friends in my life. Eugene starts to really feel like home with friends like Jess in my life.

clean house?

why is it that every time someone comes over to visit i feel the need to have my apartment clean? well shoot, i know a lot of people out there that are the same way. i'm pretty sure this is a rule in some sort of how to plan a get together with friends book out there. and i realize i do this because first i don't want people to see how messy i am (hence the closed bedroom door) and 2nd i am lazy at times. so i get frustrated and in a mad rush a half hour before people are coming over and clean up the apartment. it's not like i didn't know people were coming over in the first place. so the 3 roommates in a tiny apartment explode into robots or some sort and get the job done. it really doesn't take long, but it sure isn't exactly how our apartment looks all the time.

i then thought most of the time we go to church or house church with that same mentality of cleaning up ourselves before we walked in the door. it doesn't take a long time, we get frustrated at ourselves before hand, and we put on pretty clothes to cover up the filth in our own hearts. we clean our apartments/house the same way we clean ourselves up before we head out to church. we want to look good, make an impression, or in some cases hope that no one notices us. hmmm where is the church heading?

i know that i am more interested in people coming with dirt on their clothes, with tears in their eyes, etc. i want to be part of a church that doesn't feel the need to clean its act up prior to people arriving. i want to see the ugly and the good all together. i think that's beautiful and i want to live in that kingdom.

Dad

my dad died on january 16, 1997. it's hard to think it is coming up to 12 years. the reality is that half of my life i have been alive my dad has been dead.

i'm already sad about it. well, i think whenever you lose someone that you love you will always have a special place in your heart that will be sad. some days during the year are just sad days for me. but the week before my dad's anniversary of his death is especially hard for me. mostly because i think more about it this week then i do other weeks.

this morning is an example of a time when it is really hard for me.

when my dad died my life was completely changed. at 13 years old you don't really think you are going to get a knock on your door in the evening with two cops at your door. they asked to speak to all of us, my mom, brother, and me. i was annoyed because i was studying for my science final i was going to have the next day and really needed to get that over and done with. the science final went out the window once they said my dad was dead. it was one of the mose surreal and intense experiences i have ever experienced.

but there is a lot of beauty in the experience for me. when i found out the news about my dad i heard God tell me that my dad died for a reason. it was the first time that i truly felt peace in my heart...and i truly believe it is the only kind of peace that God can bless us with. i needed that, God knew, and I was comforted. i grew up in the church, but never really had anyone tell me about the voice of God or that God can communicate with us by the holy spirit. but it was at that exact moment that I knew God was speaking into my life. because of that moment i turned to God in everything. later on in life i knew that that moment was the beginning of my journey towards Jesus. i like to remember that moment, the moment of feeling peace, on the days when i feel extremely sad that i lost my dad.

this week i am going to hold onto the promise that Jesus is our comforter, supporter, encourager, and I will cling onto the love he has for me this week.

praxis II

the part about being a teacher that i actually loathe is the amount of work it takes to switch over your license from one state to another state. oregon requires that i take another test and pass it in order to keep my license. this costs money, stresses me out, and i have a fear of failing.

say a little prayer for me tomorrow :)

Rock Band

I was talking to a 5th grade student of mine and he told me that he really likes rock band. his accomplishment was getting 100% on vocals singing eye of the tiger.

thank you, God, really thank you. that in itself was a huge blessing. who knew that one kids comment to me could make the morning 10 times better.

each day, i want to really try to recognize the millions of blessing God gives me. amen.

vulnerable

i've been really reflecting on vulnerability and how much i lack being vulnerable. Here's a couple reasons why. 1) fear 2) i may think some people just don't want to hear what is really going on deep within my soul 3) denial of the fact that i am super messed up deep inside my soul 4) fearful of being judged 5) it takes a lot of work and sometimes a lot of tears 6) it means i have to communicate with people and i start to realize how poor i truly communicate with people

i dream of community. a lot. it is a big passion on my heart. i love it.

but how can i be a part of a community, a family, when i am not always vulnerable? i am challenged by this. i get frustrated when other people aren't being vulnerable. really i'm only frustrated because i'm not living out what i preach. so i become a hypocrite. and that's beautiful.

it's beautiful because i'm on a church plant and i love jesus but i sure mess up a whole lot. and i get to live life with people that mess up a lot. so that's why i will continue to pray to become more vulnerable with my family here. and then i meet people and get to love them. that then makes me think of the disciples and how they loved people and loved jesus. they messed up. a lot. so i'm not alone in this inner and outer struggle. and many people who will come after me in life will struggle with this as well.

but today, and tomorrow, and forever i will try to stop with all of the excuses listed above and be more vulnerable. jesus calls me to it. i'm sure i'll mess up along the way. :)

oh hey there control

well, tis the next couple of months where i do programs with all the grades at school...i find that i get quite anxious about it. sometimes this stuff consumes me and i have a hard time having fun. sadly, not having fun turns into bad days teaching at school and i definitely notice a difference even in my students. so i am praying to get rid of my control of this. i need to let go of my control to be perfect. i need to surrendor all of this so that my students can have the best experience that they can get. i know that God put me in this school for a reason...i just need to trust Him that it will turn out great.

sometimes, friends, i really wish i wasn't such a control freak. :)