vulnerable

i've been really reflecting on vulnerability and how much i lack being vulnerable. Here's a couple reasons why. 1) fear 2) i may think some people just don't want to hear what is really going on deep within my soul 3) denial of the fact that i am super messed up deep inside my soul 4) fearful of being judged 5) it takes a lot of work and sometimes a lot of tears 6) it means i have to communicate with people and i start to realize how poor i truly communicate with people

i dream of community. a lot. it is a big passion on my heart. i love it.

but how can i be a part of a community, a family, when i am not always vulnerable? i am challenged by this. i get frustrated when other people aren't being vulnerable. really i'm only frustrated because i'm not living out what i preach. so i become a hypocrite. and that's beautiful.

it's beautiful because i'm on a church plant and i love jesus but i sure mess up a whole lot. and i get to live life with people that mess up a lot. so that's why i will continue to pray to become more vulnerable with my family here. and then i meet people and get to love them. that then makes me think of the disciples and how they loved people and loved jesus. they messed up. a lot. so i'm not alone in this inner and outer struggle. and many people who will come after me in life will struggle with this as well.

but today, and tomorrow, and forever i will try to stop with all of the excuses listed above and be more vulnerable. jesus calls me to it. i'm sure i'll mess up along the way. :)