praxis II

the part about being a teacher that i actually loathe is the amount of work it takes to switch over your license from one state to another state. oregon requires that i take another test and pass it in order to keep my license. this costs money, stresses me out, and i have a fear of failing.

say a little prayer for me tomorrow :)

Rock Band

I was talking to a 5th grade student of mine and he told me that he really likes rock band. his accomplishment was getting 100% on vocals singing eye of the tiger.

thank you, God, really thank you. that in itself was a huge blessing. who knew that one kids comment to me could make the morning 10 times better.

each day, i want to really try to recognize the millions of blessing God gives me. amen.

vulnerable

i've been really reflecting on vulnerability and how much i lack being vulnerable. Here's a couple reasons why. 1) fear 2) i may think some people just don't want to hear what is really going on deep within my soul 3) denial of the fact that i am super messed up deep inside my soul 4) fearful of being judged 5) it takes a lot of work and sometimes a lot of tears 6) it means i have to communicate with people and i start to realize how poor i truly communicate with people

i dream of community. a lot. it is a big passion on my heart. i love it.

but how can i be a part of a community, a family, when i am not always vulnerable? i am challenged by this. i get frustrated when other people aren't being vulnerable. really i'm only frustrated because i'm not living out what i preach. so i become a hypocrite. and that's beautiful.

it's beautiful because i'm on a church plant and i love jesus but i sure mess up a whole lot. and i get to live life with people that mess up a lot. so that's why i will continue to pray to become more vulnerable with my family here. and then i meet people and get to love them. that then makes me think of the disciples and how they loved people and loved jesus. they messed up. a lot. so i'm not alone in this inner and outer struggle. and many people who will come after me in life will struggle with this as well.

but today, and tomorrow, and forever i will try to stop with all of the excuses listed above and be more vulnerable. jesus calls me to it. i'm sure i'll mess up along the way. :)

oh hey there control

well, tis the next couple of months where i do programs with all the grades at school...i find that i get quite anxious about it. sometimes this stuff consumes me and i have a hard time having fun. sadly, not having fun turns into bad days teaching at school and i definitely notice a difference even in my students. so i am praying to get rid of my control of this. i need to let go of my control to be perfect. i need to surrendor all of this so that my students can have the best experience that they can get. i know that God put me in this school for a reason...i just need to trust Him that it will turn out great.

sometimes, friends, i really wish i wasn't such a control freak. :)

vacation

i am officially on christmas vacation and it is already proving to be lovely. two weeks off! one of those weeks will be in indiana! i'm so looking forward to all that will be of that whirlwind of a trip!

side note, i really like my roommates.

prayer request: please pray that i will make it safely, as well as all of the eugene team, to indiana as we fly out during the next week. crazy winter conditions make traveling intense so hopefully nothing will be a problem.

i don't have anything else going on in my brain right now...it is 1:25am after all. :)

much love and more intelligent stories to come! :)

just me...

a glimpse into my head is actually pretty simple. i am abstract, ask a whole lot of questions, dream dreams, and just want to experience the beauty and the messiness of the world. i find i don't necessarily fit into the "smart, intelligent" group of people because I don't think or function the same way that they do. It's not that I can't, but it's just not natural for me. And sometimes that frustrates me more then other things. I struggled for a long time thinking people didn't see me as intelligent or smart enough and hide behind silence or just checked out mentally with certain things. I wasn't challenged to explore who God really made me.

This whole past year up to now I am slowly understanding little bits and pieces of who I am. I know it wouldn't have been possible for me to understand myself without God directing me to do certain things, experience life in different ways, and meet people who started to encourage and challenge me to be me, not some other form of who I was being. I find this part of discovery hard and confusing...but it's also something that has lately been pretty freeing for me.

Why did I ever fabricate myself into something or someone that I was not? That is one question I hope to always ask myself.

another student comment

i just can't help it, but i learn so much from my students. Here's a story that makes my heart happy and extremely hopeful for the future.

I do this song called Merlin and he is actually my little teddy bear who grants kids their wishes whenever Merlin ends up where they are. It's a passing game and really fun for the kids. I was doing this with my first graders this week and I got to this sweet little girl. We sang the song and sang the question of "what do you wish for?" and her response blew me away. She said I wish for world peace. I prayed right at that moment. I prayed that she would be someone that would dream for that all of her life and that she would not be the only kid that dreams for that.

Shalom :)