Friends

"A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson






More then anything I have learned how to live in true community with people unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I believe it's something that truly set my heart free, grew me, and basically transformed me. But I know I am created for more then this. I know God is doing some crazy cool things in me. I just realize each day that there is no way that I could have done this without the people that have walked with me, asked me the hard questions, read through my "I'm ok" comments, challenged me to be more of who God created me to be, listened to me, allowed me to cry, knew what I was thinking about even before I said anything, and just loved me. I'm living right now in a place of complete thankfulness for the people God has brought into my life. I wanted to share some pictures of the people that I love dearly, and who also happen to be some of the people that I will be leaving soon. Our journey, my friends, is just beginning...

Hard

I'm learning how life is hard, but beautiful at the same time. The fact that I can admit that things are hard is a huge accomplishment. I'm starting to feel redeemed from things in my life that I've always felt the need to just hold onto because it's what I have just learned to accept. Almost like that was my only choice. During this process of being set free from some bondage I'm seeing more of Jesus. The cross is becoming more real. Sometimes all I can do is just cry out to God to take my hand. And everyday I feel God saying for me to trust Him or he asks me Are you going to trust me? And most days I do trust God in what he is doing in my life, but other days I feel too weak. Those are the days that my tears are my prayers. Part of me still wants to hold onto the strength that I feel I have...that I am fine and am ok and have a mask up so no one can enter into community with me. I'm messed up, I hurt, I cry, I fight off the temptations to do everything myself daily, and I am loved by the One who can love me sufficiently, yet I am blinded by my own weaknesses.

I have absolutely no idea what God is doing in my life right now. Why I am going through some of the stuff that I am going through and it's hard. I'm opening up more then I've ever truly opened up to people. I have no problem just talking with people and telling them what's going on in my life, but this time is different. I want God to use me. Use my vulnerability to glorify Him. I sense God wants me to stop doing what I'm used to doing and go to Him with every thought, hurt, joy, masked emotion, etc...just everything.

This is my journey. I enjoy sharing my life with people. I'm who I am because God created me. There is beauty in me and each one of us...and that is something we don't always see in each other. I see beauty in peoples brokenness as much as in their happiness. I'm slowly recognizing the fact that God is so evident in my life...that He wants my beauty to come out. I thank the people in my life who see me for who I am when all I see is a big mess. God provides.

My eyes were open

I am moving out of my apartment by June 30th and moving into my friend Shayna's house, if it doesn't get sold right now and I'd be ok if it did cuz that would be a huge answer to prayer! Well, I have a lot of big furniture items that need to be out of my apartment and I emailed people seeing if they wanted them or knew or anyone that needed them. So I got some responses and can help out some people, but one person in particular just opened my eyes to what I imagine the kingdom was intended to be. A lady I work with has a daughter who is living in an apartment with basically nothing at all. I told her I have a bunch of furniture i'm just giving away and it was so cool to see her just almost cry out of joy. I cried on the way home...cried because God opened my eyes to the fact that nothing I own is truly my own. And I struggled with giving away some of the stuff, like my tv, because part of me still lives in the material items world. But I was hoping my furniture could just bless someone like it did to me and I'm finding out that it will. I was a tad overwhelmed, exited, and just amazed by how much God was present in this situation.

Another significant thing going on is that we paid the deposit for the apartment in Eugene. Our applications will be going out tomorrow. If all goes well we will be able to move into our new apartment on Aug. 8th, meaning we will leave Indy probably around Aug. 4th. Wow, that is sure coming up. I am feeling more and more excited about what God is doing in the lives of all of the Eugene team. I'm learning how to trust God more in the fact that currently I don't have a job and believing that we will all be taken care of out there! I'm not saying this process for us has it's ups and downs, because some days are harder then the others. We need prayer during the next couple of months. Prayer for jobs, for the apartments to come through for us, logistical nightmares to be worked out, and just peace about the season that we are in. I'm excited for this new part of my life to begin. It truly is a new experience. :)

A little bit of everything

There's something so great about being in community with people. You find freedom in it and honestly I feel so at home that my community naturally becomes my family. It's also tough at the same time. People share things with you and you break for them and the same goes for me sharing with people and they break for you. I love it. I love everything about being in community with people. I thank God that he did not intend for me to walk this life alone.

The past couple of weeks has really challenged me. I'm continuing to being shaped, molded into who God wants me to be. And it's hard. I struggle with what to do and how to live this life God has blessed me with. I want to be vulnerable and open, but I struggle in doing that. I have a love hate relationship with the church right now, but still find myself present in the midst of that. God's been teaching me about prayer through a book a friend got me...and it was something that I truly thought was dumb when I started reading it, but now find it to be completely perfect for the place that I am in my life right now. And that gift makes me think that is probably the best thing for me to actually come to understand. Half the time we think something we are doing is dumb, but in all actuality it is quite beautiful if we would stop being so self-centered and just look at what God is doing around us and in us.

Some news and some prayer requested. Some friends told me that I should look into getting counseling soon. I think that they are right about it. I'm excited to see how God will work through this. I know that it will be a great healing process from things that have been heavy on my heart for years and years. I know it will be good for me, but I'm still a little nervous about it. I do appreciate your prayers and support.

Slowing down

God has been slowing me down quite a bit lately. I'm still extremely busy and the next couple of months are going to be intense for numerous reasons. But being busy and God slowing me down go hand in hand. I feel it's something that we all wrestle with. How do I spend time with God when all I seem to be doing is filling up my calendar with meetings, gatherings, and daily life stuff? God has a sense of humor in my life and has cleared a lot of time for me to just not have anything on my schedule during the day. So usually this is the time where my mind plays mind games on myself and I sort of beat myself up with my fears...specifically Eugene. "Be still and know that I am God" has been on my heart. I'm not still. Rarely am I still, ever. Ask the people that know me. But I am finding incredible joy and peace during the times where I am still and align my heart with God. I don't know what is going to happen to me in the future, or what I will be doing, or anything that I think matters, but I do know that what I experience in the still times is what makes me want to live my life with God and people wherever He leads me. I'm desiring that cry in my heart that yearns for the couple of minutes of stillness to worship God. "God's joy is my strength!" I don't know how else to explain that one, but I'm being transformed to understand that more and more everyday. And that's my prayer for the people I am surrounded by daily. That God's joy will be our strength. My identity, my strength, comes from God. And I find I don't get that through other people, even though I wish that could happen, because I only get disappointed. Those couple of thoughts are just what I'm been processing and struggling with during the past couple of days...

Writers

I have this love of reading that has been alive in my soul every since I was a little kid. I find myself to be a sucker for autobiographies or true stories. Mostly because I get a sense of who that person is...like I'm invited into their world for a brief season of life. That lasts until I put the book down.

At times I have so many thoughts running through my head that I want to be able to write them down in an eloquent, fancy pants sorta way that I stumble around ultimately failing in my own endeavor. I want instant gratification so bad that I just consider myself completely unworthy, unintelligent, and a failure that I give up. I just can't compare myself to regular joe blogger/author because he just says the right thing at the right time. Obviously he's put more thought into his thoughts and can make them flow from one sentence to the other. Stacie, you can barely make a thought become a coherent sentence. I know that's not true. I know I can flow sentences together to make a couple paragraphs of thoughts. But I've come to realize that even though I want the ability to write a beautiful story, a story that will challenge and exalt me of course, that story resides within me. Maybe it will come out one day and I'm ok with that. Until then I will continue to tell about my daily life which consists of failures unimaginable to the naked eye as well as complete and utter joy. I'm no c.s. lewis, but I have a story of my own. A story that one day might be shared with you. I'll just sit back and listen to the stories or people around me in my life...which I mostly get in the way. I think that some authors who write their stories spend an incredible amount of time listening. I think I'll start there. After all, when I listen peoples lives change and transform mine.

All days are new

I've been really challenged lately with just living in the present moment. I just automatically want to jump forward to where somehow life will be just the way I want it. By doing so I lose grasp of the times I have right in front of me. Brennan Manning's Raggamuffin Gospel spoke directly into my life. I have some quotes about being present that I want to share.

It is only now that we are in the presence of God.

I can only say that forgetting all that lies behind me, and straining forward to what lies in front. -Phillippians 3:13

There's a lot of things that get in the way of experiencing Gods love because of my dwelling on something I didn't do, or something that is coming up quickly in the future. But what do I miss in the meantime? I sure do miss life. I miss seeing Christ present in our people's lives and I miss seeing what God is doing in my life. I also make my life more important than everyone else...which is not intentional, just part of my personality. I start to think the world should stop what it's doing and hold me by the hand to comfort me in all my insecurities.

I think, if anything, this past year has showed me that Jesus values me as I am.

But I put on hold my value in Christ when I start to think about past or future events. I stop looking at God as my Hope and I look at myself as my hope.

Do we see God's beauty right in front of us? The beauty that makes us just feel at peace with the world, with ourselves...that we are indeed beloved sons and daughters.

My heart aches when I process that. It aches because I want that so badly yet I get in the way of truly experiencing that when I start to take over my life. Here I am, send me...is what I want my life to be about.

To me, experiencing life in the present moment is more beautiful then a thousand worries.