music is my voice

i am listening to one of my top 10 vocal pieces of all times right now and it absolutely warms my heart. to the point of tears. it is truly beautiful and quite a masterpiece. it also helps me think while i listen. i've always tried to figure out why i am not one of those people that can just get into crazy debates, talks, discussions over a single topic for hours and hours. i can at times, but it's not my personal strength. it was a huge challenge for me during the training school and at every bible study/house church i have been a part of. i do get a little frustrated. frustrated at myself for not being able to just actively throw out all these brillant thoughts and frustrated that other people think i am not engaging. neither of them are actually true, it's just something i have to fight. but this piece i am listening to reminds me that i am a musician. i express myself the absolute best while singing or playing an instrument. music is my words and my voice when i do not know what to say or how to say it. it is the best way for me to express myself. maybe it's why i am an emotional person. i grew up around music, was dragged to music stores as early as i can remember, and had parents that were music teachers and musicians themselves. i grew up practicing more than i did talking (which is hard to imagine, haha). I think you get the idea. :) i am starting to understand myself more and more. i'm glad that music is my voice when i have no idea what to say anymore. it's a beautiful gift.

being grounded

i think a big part of why being in community is so important, at least to me anyway, is that when you share and open yourself up you then have people to come along side with you and keep you grounded. i have a friend who does that really well in my life. who will be the realist, yell (nicely of course, hehe) that i need to stop thinking, and helps me live life. if i didn't have people like that in my life i would probably be one big emotional mess. yikes. so today i am extremely thankful for community and for my friends that help keep me grounded.

Captive to our own fears...

I heard that phrase tonight at lamb's cottage, a place my church is helping out at. it's beautiful. raw, honest, and vulnerable. I switched in my head to, captive to my own fears. Ah, being captive to fears that Jesus ultimately wants to free us from really just resonates with me. I feel like my fears can change depending on my mood and/or the season of life i am in.

enter satan. yeah, he's there and crafty as ever. he comes in to magnify those fears of mine. some days i fight off those lies and other days i just let those lies just consume me. so we have a choice to be captive to our fears or to just start (and i say start because sometimes these fears take a long, long time to process and journey through) to give them up. and i don't know how to word this, because even giving up doesn't quite hit the mark for me. something beyond my control must work in order for me to fight and let go of my fears. even though it is hard it brings a lot of peace to my life. even if that peace is just for 5 minutes, i do have peace.

i think more than anything i am captive to my own fears. i don't fight enough or recognize that there even is a fight to fight. i need God. that's my only solution to this mess of fears.

:)

Fall

it's my absolute favorite time of the year! last week my students sang fall songs and it just made my heart happy. i also love being able to see the leaves change (though we still have a long way to go out here in eugene!), apple picking, apple cider, carving pumpkins, drinking lots of tea, lazy days, scarves being worn, and just a lot of joy all around. it's quite lovely.

i haven't really wrote a lot of stuff in here lately. i've been quite crazy busy, but will slowly begin to get back into blogging. there are a bunch of things on my heart lately, so i'll word vomit them out soon! :)

raisins

i find it fun that certain things remind me of other people. take raisins for example. my dad would always eat raisins as a little snack. tonight, i had some raisins and immediately thought of my dad. it made me happy and i remembered some good moments i had with my dad tonight. it was good. :)

oh how i wonder

i have a lot of time on my commute to work now. it takes about 40 minutes both ways on my bike so i have a lot of time to think, pray, be silent, spit out bugs...you know the usual stuff you do on the commute to work. :) today i was wondering a few things that just made me think and i wonder if God put them on my heart to think about. some of these are from this morning and some are just what i am thinking about as i write this.

first, do i not dream enough or allow myself to dream dreams?

second, am i living just for the sake of living or am i really living life to the fullest in the way i am created for?

third, stemming off of that, which i think about so many times, is what am i created for? how does God want to use me, what are my gifts, and how can i play a part in His story?

fourth, so much of me struggles to plan out my life vs. live in the moment as it is.

fifth, my brokenness, my flaws, my sin, and grace.

i posted on the eugene team's blog that my brain was over loaded. it really is. i have a lot of work stuff on my mind and a lot of those statements up above on my mind. sheesh, life is back into full swing for me. i absolutely love having a million things to do again, but it's almost like i have to relearn to balance my life out in order to make myself sane.

i think it's good that i am slowly learning more and more about what i need. maybe this comes with age and more life experience? i don't know. so i am going to set aside some time somewhere in my busy schedule again to allow myself to be able to think, process, reflect, and listen a little bit more. It's the perfect time of the year for this. a good cup of coffee/tea, book, journal, and stillness is all i need. oh how i heart fall!

for now, i know i want to all space to wonder a little more.

peace, friends. :)

Coincidence, I think not...

Duck football has officially started back up again and I am so thankful that I don't live right next to the stadium anymore. However, when there is a game and i want to go hang out i ride my bike over there and try to dodge thousands of fans. it's quite the adventure! i did that this past saturday and made my way over to the mckinnis's apartment. since i didn't have a ticket to the game i decided that i would leave when the game started. i didn't have my bike helmet or lights on my bike so i wanted to get back home before it got pitch black outside. everything i planned on went completely down the drain when i saw my friend riding her bike with soooooo many bags of cans, beer bottles, and water bottles. in oregon you get money back on those items so if you are homeless you take up the opportunity to go to the stadium and get as many cans as humanly possible. free money right there. thank goodness this city recycles everything. so my friend was struggling really bad and she could barely bike so i pulled up next to her and asked if i could help her. i took 6 plastic bags and put them on my bike and we headed to the store. what a eye-opening experience. people look at you differently when you have bags full of cans on your bike. i know that people look at homeless people different, my friends tell me about that, and i've experienced that with them.

i had a choice that night when i was going home. i could have just rode by my friend with my own agenda in mind. i knew it was going to get dark soon and i was not prepared so i better make it home quickly. or i could stop and help my friend who looked like she was in need. i feel like there are so many times when we are put in positions to be the hands and feet of Jesus and i wonder how many times i try to take my own agenda rather than God's.

I experienced the love of Jesus that night. I'm glad I stopped instead of passing my friend by.