Beautiful

Today i was reminded of what people are doing in the world to make it better one step at a time. people are choosing to make choices that will impact others in a positive way. it's happening all around me. i want to be a part of that. isn't that what the kingdom is all about? it's about living life with a passion, using whatever gifts we have, dreaming dreams that sometimes we think are too big for ourselves, stepping out of our comfort zones, and doing something instead of nothing. i am encouraged by what other people are doing and it makes me want to pray harder for ways that i can be used to join in.

i'm thankful we are passionate people.

lots of time on my hands

it's conference week, which means i've been "working" a lot more hours during the past 3 days to have tomorrow off. that is actually quite lovely. except i have so much time on my hands, stuck in a room all by myself. i get stir crazy and my brain usually is on over-load from all the "alone" time i've had. as i sit here in my office i realize i don't feel like i have been feeling the past week or 2 weeks (i've lost track of how long i've felt kinda emotionally down). i feel more peace. i still feel like things are crazy in my life and can't quite understand all of the stuff that is going on. i won't lie and say everything is ok. in fact, i've cried a lot lately. i'm sorta glad i still have tears left because there was a time where i wasn't feeling much of anything. this time, i am feeling a lot, which always seem to end up with tears. i find my tears are a good way to pray.

so i will continue to journey through this fog that is upon me. i daily seem to get broken and refined. i'm not beating myself up. i am loved. i am cherished. i am who i am because of Him. i don't want to fall for all the other things that try to tell me otherwise. i'd rather fight, scream, kick, hit, punch the crap out of all of the evil stuff trying to destroy me and take that away from me. i will absolutely not let it win. i only have today, not tomorrow. i'm going to start with that, put one foot in front of the other, and breathe. i think that will be a good start. :)

meditation...

i want to meditate on the words of Jesus more often. it's like the words just soften my heart and speak into me. right now, this very moment, i am meditating on not worrying about tomorrow, etc. you know that one passage that everyone and their brother says to someone when they are stressing out or freaking out about the future. but for me, i want to write that passage on my heart so that i can know it deep within me. maybe then i won't need to be reminded of it. :)

peace.

The Way of the Heart

I've been running from God lately. I was really trying to figure out last week if that was the case or if other stuff was what was making me feel so distant, so alone.

I've started to re-read the book "The Way of the Heart". If you have never read this book, please go get a copy of it somehow. Go to the library or borrow it from someone else that has it. Just read it. It is absolutely beautiful and is an incredibly quick read. It has so much information in it and so much to grasp that every time I pick it up I learn so much. It got it's inspiration from the Desert Fathers and Mothers and walks through solitude, silence, and prayer.

Yesterday afternoon I read the solitude section. Wow, was I convicted on this one again. It is scary to just put yourself out there in front of God with no distractions surrounding you. I haven't really given myself time to really dig deep into solitude. I've filled my life up so much lately with being busy and distracting myself. I've forgotten what it means to be loved by Jesus even when I have so much crap ever present in my life. I mess up and am blinded by my own faults that i will do anything and everything to distract me from the root of my own ugliness. Solitude strips you of yourself. And it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable at times. I'd rather have things distract me because it's easier. But how else can we be transformed by God who loves us if we don't spend time with Him? How can we be freed from our own sinfulness if we don't spend time with Him? Somehow that clicked with me yesterday. I've been running out of fear of dealing with my own pains and hurts.

"We like to take the blessing from You
Shall we not take the trouble too
You are working all things out
We like to take prosperity
Shall we not take the suffering
You are working all things out"

That's some lyrics from the song "For the Good" by Shane & Shane. In my solitude I pray to find peace in God and understanding that He is indeed working all things out.

Ah, wine.

I heart my friend karyl. we went to sweet cheeks winery last night (best place ever!) because she had to pick up wine. that meant we drank one of the bottles outside sitting around a fire pit while eating cheese and crackers. it was great. i needed that evening.

i heart my friends, wine, and rainy weather. :)

i've got no title for this one

I wonder how much i live my life through unrealistic expectations.

hmmmmm...

so my mind knows that i've set up some unrealistic expectations for people and my heart struggles with the pain and emotions that have come from those silly unrealistic expectations.

my prayer to work through all of these crazy things that i've been dealing with is for Jesus to love me. i really find that i just want to be loved and the only one that will truly love me the way that i really need to be loved is Him.

sometimes the only thing that can get me through the day is love. the hardest thing for me to fight for is to allow myself to be loved. i want to fight for love today.

walking through life

i have found that i've just been walking through life lately. i have a million things that i need to do, but have been sick for the past couple of weeks. makes sense why i've had to drag my little bum bum around to get things done. b/c of this wonderful cold that i've had, and praying will end soon, i've been going to bed earlier. that also means not a lot of time to think to blog. i feel like my life is not interesting either. i read other peoples blogs and think holy cow their life is so awesome and mine is blah, haha. so i'll try to entertain this blog up somehow sometime soon! :)