what on earth is going on with me?

i had a great day followed by me becoming quite emotional. i am finding that having a free summer means a lot of time to think. way to much. and as i was reflecting i realized some stuff. i find that i do a good job at bringing myself down with worry, fear, doubt, and ask a whole lot of what-if questions. i mean seriously...i journaled tonight and found that i filled up two complete pages with what-if questions. does that do any good in the grand scheme of things? and i decided that it wasn't healthy for me to question everything and anything and that i should open up a psalm to just calm my heart. at this point i needed to blast stuff away that was just not making my heart feel at peace. i didn't have a psalm in mind so just sort of flipped through the pages and found a psalm that just soothed my soul.

Psalm 121¹ I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? ² My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. ³He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; ⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. ⁵The LORD watches over you— the LORD is your shade at your right hand ⁶ the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.⁷The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life;⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and for evermore.

And i realized that i don't recognize the power of what God does in my life. That a lot of my what-if question come from me wanting to control my life. i've grown up having to be pretty independent and strong and i battle those thoughts with wanting to feel protected and cared for with no pressure. and this psalm speaks about how God is watching over me, is my protector, will not let anything harm me, is watching over my life, and is here for me. i mean, holy cow, duh. so the questions that engulfed me still matter to me because i'll always be asking a million questions about life, but i know that i will be ok. and even though i still feel like i have a million faults God will be there. confusion, suffering, questioning, and whatever else comes my way will be ok.