helpless

we've been going through a series about the gospel, which has been incredibly good for me. clint asked us what stood out from what we have talked about. i shared how i feel incredibly helpless at times here. i sort of just came up with that right on spot. i didn't process through that prior to the question being asked b/c i wasn't a good student this week. i think it was God's little way of speaking to me and revealing my heart at that current moment. the gospel is power and love and everything that my heart longs for. so why do i feel so helpless. it's because i've been here for almost a year and i don't know really what i've done in that year. have i loved people? yes. have i opened up my life to people? maybe, i think so. but still deep inside of me i feel helpless. like there is something more to this gospel i believe in that i want to scream it to the world. yet, i don't have the words. fear is a big root of my helplessness. i'm scared of what people will think of me if i talk about jesus a little more and scared that i'm not capable of it. scared and fearful. ouch. it just shows how flippin broken i am in a broken world. oh how i long for this city to see Jesus. and yet i find my own faults get in the way of that. we are all sent out to preach the good news to the people in the world. you don't need to go 2400 miles away like i did to accomplish that. i just pray that the community of Christ is vulnerable, bold, risky, and not ashamed of the gospel.