Money?

I battle money a lot. It's a huge thing God has worked on me over the past year more by taking most of everything that I was comfortable with away from me. I didn't have a comfortable salary every two weeks, but had just enough to pay my bills and yet still manage to get some debt canceled out. My first year teaching I would end up getting down to close to 0 dollars from every pay check...i'd be waiting for that money to come in so i could breath again. sadly, i rewarded myself on paydays by going out to eat, shopping, coffee, etc. I would then begin my cycle of destruction. i met with some financial advisers and had a plan in mind. i was pretty convicted of my spending and lack of planning with a budget, etc. So during the training school it was a neat experience to see how God constantly provided for me with people just randomly blessing me during that year. I learned that giving was at the bottom of my list of things to do and my heart ached from that. i knew that everything i have is God's and not mine, yet i still treated it like everything was mine and only mine. so now i have a decent job and get paid decently, yet still battle the money thing.

here's a quick story. I have wanted to get a north face jacket for awhile now and if you know how much they cost you will also know that it's pretty expensive. I was thinking it would be around 150 to get a jacket. Great, i thought. i have a job and could go get one of those after i get paid. i was all set to do that, until this past week. I feel like it was a wakeup call from God. Don't we all love those moments? my last post talked about homelessness and how my heart just crys everytime i see someone on the street. well, i felt like God was saying how can you go buy a jacket that you really don't need right now when you see so many people on the streets that have nothing. i'm not going to buy the jacket.

i'm not saying this so you can think i am all amazing and great with my money. it's a pretty huge struggle for me and God keeps teaching me things along the way. I want to challenge myself everyday on how i can be more of a giver then keep everything for myself.

homelessness

well i have to say today is one of those days where i just got overwhelmed by homelessness. first, i really believe God has given me a heart for people who are homeless. so sometimes it just breaks my heart over and over to see people on the street. you see homeless people in downtown indy and i think it has become more acceptable or noticeable to see people down there. maybe it's neither or both. i don't know. all i know is that i grew up going to chicago a lot and remember people being on the street there all the time begging so once i got to indy in 2001 i didn't notice it as much. then a few years later either i was becoming more aware of it or more people where there...i have no idea. anyway, it's more apparent here in eugene. i can't even count on my hand how many people i saw today driving to and from work...seriously, there were a lot. so my mind just drifts with sadness, anger, and hopelessness as i look at these people. they are just that, people. like you and me. yet, so many people don't think that which is another story and a whole lot of tears from me. i get pretty passionate about this.

then today a lady at this workshop i was in told me something like my school that i teach at is pretty rough. and i was like, you mean the kids? cuz uh they really aren't that bad. and she said no it's more the area. seriously? i mean, my kids are pretty poor and all that, but they are still kids. just because there was a meth house near my school awhile back does not mean anything. yet we label. and we label homelessness people. but i pray we can still use that title, but not label the people as just homeless.

i heard from a dude in training school that some org. was promoting this thing saying "my name is not homeless"

so i go to work with helpless kids who really can't control what mommy and daddy do. but i refuse to label them anything other then who they are, susan, brad, jimmy, etc. and the people i pass on the street i will acknowledge who they are, a person.

we all have names, dreams, stories that will enrich each others lives if we just pause long enough to listen. and i'm learning that isn't always that simple, but i'm willing to keep giving it as try.

just a thought

i was thinking yesterday how much do i really love people? i realized something about me, well at least i think is true about me. i love very well in the moment, not all the time, but most of the time. i engage in peoples lives because it is something that i am passionate about. i love talking, asking people questions, and just digging deeper into who they are. but the question that stuck my mind yesterday was how well do i continue to love those people who i engage with? i also think this is a situational question for i can engage with people in downtown eugene or in the grocery store and never run into them again. so i don't want to focus on the people that just come and pass through my life. i want to process my friends that are here and far away. once i started to think about that i found out that i don't do the best job. i don't continue to ask people about what is going on. some friendships are more natural to talk about life and the things going on and some people just want to talk about anything but themselves. so i pray for discernment with the conversations that i have. i pray that i am open to ask people hard questions and also easy questions.

so this has been my current struggle and God is showing me a lot from it. i don't think i'm alone in this struggle. i have mentioned this to a roommate and she agreed. so i find this will be a learning process for me my entire life. :)

needles and ink

last night i went and got a tattoo. crazy, huh? well, maybe if you have never heard me talk about it you would think it is crazy, haha. a long time ago i wanted to get a cross with the word hope in it somehow and put that on my foot. well, i am so ticklish on my foot that it just would not work. so i nixed that idea completely and went for something new. i still want to get that one someday, just don't really know where i would want to put it. it holds special meaning to me for it would be in memory of my dad. i love it, just don't know where i would want it. :)

that made me start to ponder something else i could get done. i really like celtic designs, but not really the muddiness and boldness of them. then i start to think about how much i like the celtic knot, but not with the unity circle around it. i just absolutely love the idea and meaning behind it and that it resembles the trinity. i love it. so i went on a search to try to find something that i would like. i decided that i didn't want it all to be black mostly because i'm girly and wanted it to be pretty. :) sad, but true! i found a design, took that into the tattoo place yesterday and the lady who did my tattoo, who was flippin AWESOME, came up with some colors and i fell in love with it. the colors are orange, magenta, and blue. very fun and girly. :)

that's my big news for now. other then that things are calm in eugene. the weather has been beautiful so i've been enjoying the sunshine. november starts our rainy season so i'm trying to enjoy the weather while i can. :)

much love, friends :)

LOVE IT!

this is my favorite time of the year. halloween starts all the festivities that i absolutely flippin love! So in honor of that sarah, cj, our new good friend jess, and i will be baking halloween cookies and cupcakes. to top it off, we will be decorating them too! Sheesh, i'm jumping up and down with excitement! :)

then thanksgiving comes and we'll have to get festive for that too. and since i can't go back to indy (lame airline tickets, sheesh) i will be celebrating it with my new family here. i'm sooooo stoked for that for many reasons. 1. i love these people here 2. they can flippin cook amazingly, seriously 3. macy's parade (though i wonder if that will be on super EARLY in the morning here)

then after that come Advent, woot woot. which somehow, someway i am going to do something special for that this year.

then of course, we have Christmas! YIPEE!!!! and then i get to go visit my mom and indy for awhile. I'd love to see while i am in indy from Dec. 26ish-30!

and if my excitement isn't enough i will add some final thoughts. CJ bought christmas lights at target the other night and we are going to put them up in our apartment sometime soon! YAY! and we are going to be getting a REAL christmas tree and decorate it with popcorn strings and oragomi ornaments! Shoot, i'm excited! Then some friends of mine in the choir i am in are going to go caroling around town...shut it, now i'm just overloaded with JOY!!!!! :)

friday night madness

it's midnight in a college town, and people are screaming outside all around me. you would actually think it's early in the evening. i'm still up and my roommates are sleep...go figure. so instead of trying to sleep i will write.

i've always had a heart for people. i love to hear peoples stories, where they have been, where they are going. i absolutely love it. and i love just listening.

being here in eugene is good for my heart. i have learned a lot about what it means to live out the church during the past 2 months i've beene here. i didn't really think about this until now, but i think i really need this church. it's something unlike anything that i am used to, in the term of church, but it feels more natural and life giving. i love being in a place where God stretches me.

i've been here 2 months and already get to bake cookies and cupcakes tomorrow with a good friend. and in one of my choirs a group of us are going to be getting together before rehearsals to have dinner together. i love it because i love getting together with people. that's who i am.

my hearts prayer is that you continue living out church where ever you go. listen to people and love them. at times i complicate things way too much. i need to go back to the basics.

i'm grateful my eyes are being opened to experiencing life each day. :)

just another day

i'm looking forward to tonight. all of us on the team out here are just having a praise and worship night. i know my heart needs that. i feel tense today. not sure why or what from...just tense. so i did a little yoga and that seemed to help. but i know only God can release the tenseness that my heart and body feels. i'm sure you know what i mean. so tonight will be good. :)

i daily want to be transformed by Jesus and i don't always know what that looks like. today there was tension. tomorrow may be something else. if there is something i am learning about it's emotions. i'm glad we have them. i'm always glad that people can handle us in the midst of our emotions.

one thing on my heart is this. i don't want to live a day expecting something. i want to experience the day i'm living without thinking of the next day. too many times i think ahead, and dream about what may happen or could happen. i'm in this current place for a reason and because of that i will live in that moment. one thing i'm thankful i learned from larry mitchell the past year was to "just be" present where you are, where ever that may be. i happen to find little bits of the kingdom better that way.